I don't think I want to be saved

How do you know for sure someone means it, when they say those 3 words?

Man.. Everybody’s at the beach today, and I’m sitting here alone in my room. That’s cool. sigh.

It bothers me when people claim their a trustful person. But they spread shit about everyone and myself included. Yeah, real trustful.

I need a vacation. An escape.

A place where I don’t have to worry about pleasing everyone, or hurting people’s feelings.

A place where I can relax and explore. Somewhere new.

I would love to go to Hawaii. I am in desperate need of a warm beach.

What happened to long ball gowns? What happened to floor length dressed to wear on a daily bases or a formal event? All these girls are wearing really short dresses. It’s kind of gross.

Take a chance, you stupid hoe.

Whatcha waiting for?

Is it normal to feel depressed and what something more? Feel happy all the time, live in a perfect world. Music kind of takes me away from my sadness, but it brings me back too. Listening to the broken heart songs, the loving songs, and having fun songs. It makes me sad I can’t have that really. This is why I want to be famous, or in a movie or sing or something. So I can live those moments. It’d be fun. For a month or two.

I do complain a lot about my boyfriend…

But I do love him very, very much. He’s so amazing ((: Couldn’t ask for a better guy in the entire world.

He’s handsome.

He treats me like I should be treated.

He’s sweet.

He’s spontaneous.

He’s amazing in general. (:

I’m a very lucky girl and I don’t take this boy for granted one bit. I love him very much.

My forever boy <333

I am with miss Emily Whitmire, because she’s awesome.

Hurpadurrrrr

By the way, suck my cock fucker I don’t like you.

 Not to Emily.

<3

I’m stoked for a few things at the moment. Shall we go down the list?

- All Time Low Concert. April 16, 2011 @ The Warfield. *swoon*

-All Time Low - Dirty Work. (New album. No set date.)

-Testing, April 8, 2011 @ 9 AM. Not sure where, but I’m going to test for what school level I’m at-

-Then get a tutor, and build me up to the current grade I’m supposed to be in-

-Then go to my dream high school, Vintage High.

Needless to say, I am beyond excited. Now, to the depressing part of this blog thing.

I have been home schooled since seventh grade, and I’ve hated it ever since I started. I miss school more than anything, and it’s not the social life I miss. I miss getting an education, learning things. I’ve always loved school, even though I missed it a lot. Now that my medical problem is under control, I’m able to go back but I need massive tutoring, probably. Because well, I’m a dumbass, basically. I can’t wait to go back to school, and I hope to god my parents aren’t going to back out at the last minute, even if I do get the proper education. I would be devastated. It’s always been my dream, since about first grade, that I would go to Vintage High School. My dad attended it, and I’ve always loved it. Sure, I don’t know what the whole high school atmosphere is like, but I do know that people are having a good time. I’m growing up too fast, and I need to go back to school. I’m supposed to be out there having fun. Going to parties, dances, having fun and goofing off. I don’t want anything more than to go to high school, and I really hope I’m going to be able to experience it. Even if I can’t stay there long, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get there. I miss my friends, being in a classroom, talking to teachers and plain learning about things I don’t have a clue about. Know what’s funny? I actually miss math the most. Funny, because that was my worst subject, and I hated my math teacher. But I’ve always loved math, and I hope I can get better at it so I can love it even more. I really pray to God that I will be able to go into school. I miss everything about it.

This is just breaking my heart even more.

I want to throw up I feel so bad.

My stomach feels as if it’s melting by my boiled blood.

Everything goes in one ear, and out the other.

As if my voice is traveling, then over your head, then still moving forward.

You don’t understand, or hear anything I say.

Nobody does.

I’m the only good one.

“I’ve never told a lie, and that makes me a liar.”

Boy does that sound familiar.

I know what runs through people’s thoughts.

“She thinks she’s pretty, and she’s not.”

“Look at her, she’s ugly, and I’m prettier.”

You would think Selena Gomez’s new song would’ve made me feel better.

But no, there’s no feeling better right now.

I should watch some scare videos on Anorexia, because it’s becoming an option for me. 

I do not feel beautiful.

I am overweight, and doing nothing about it.

I cry and feel embarrassed in public.

I can’t fit in any of my pants anymore, and my shirts are tight and show off my jiggly stomach.

I tried to find more pants today so I could fit in some, but nothing fit and I gave up.

Nobody understood, they didn’t know that I was plain embarrassed and disgusted with my body.

I look in the mirror and see nothing but fat.

I see the outside, not the inside.

I need an escape. My escape used to be school.

I don’t have that anymore. I have no escape.

All I have is me, my bed, and my computer.

I don’t have motivation to do anything.

I’m miserable.

My relationship feels as if it’s falling into nothing.

“I hate you.”

That’s great, thanks for noticing I’m even there.

You shut both doors.

You gave back something with sentimental value.

I can’t do this.

Am I beautiful now?